I can’t sleep and I’m being bombarded by negative thoughts, and I’m compelled to do two things. One is physically harm myself, and the other is to express my mental state on this wasteland of social networking new media bullshit. Life 2.0. I decided, after punching my wall a few times, not to change my Facebook status to something like: “Gerald is being attacked by his own brain” or “Gerald is useless and should get over it.” Instead I should try to make some effort at analysis. I started wondering if the internet is supposed to be a tool for social exchange, or a replacement for it.
I wonder if it’s better to just keep my outbursts to myself, or to publish them to the digital world. Either way it seems I end up in the same place. In August, the same thing happened. I was unsatisfied with my life, every aspect of it. I was broke, bored, depressed and anti-social. I thought I was getting better. I think I am better as long as I’m not closed off in myself, because then I just sit at home and drink, and watch movies on Netflix, and check my email, Myspace and Facebook, wondering if I have a life. Either that or I go out to a show alone to pass the time and leave feeling alienated. I try to write songs but find myself writing the same thing over and over again. I feel like I’m not being challenged. I’m not being surprised, and in turn I can’t surprise myself, which is what being creative is all about. I also feel like it’s a lot of work for me to maintain a social life because I give off an independent vibe, and also because I naturally get along with other independent, or even anti-social, people. I’m not really independent. I feed off of other people, I just need my little pockets of solitude in order to express it.
Anyone want to go do something?