I’ve been trying really hard to hold on to something positive from the nervousness and restlessness I’ve been feeling lately. The fact is no matter how much I go out and interact with my surroundings, I come home feeling empty. I don’t know why I think I can reverse the path that I’ve been on all my life, which is a constant state of alienation.
I hate being by myself, but it’s usually better than trying to be someone I’m not, which is what I feel would have to happen for me to have a normal social life. I like making music, and making art, but there comes a point where the solitude is too much and you have to stop. People don’t understand that. The fact is, if I have people close to me in my life, than I can be productive while I’m alone. But if I’m alone all the time, I lose myself.
I read Wikipedia’s article on loneliness again. I wonder if what I keep referring to as depression is really just social isolation. I go to a bar and I see a crowd of people who can communicate with one another. Sure it’s not on a deep level, but they’re all keeping themselves and each other sane by doing so. Meanwhile I’m in the corner with an art magazine drawing snake tongues coming out of everybody’s mouths, and I’m the only person in the place who’s by himself. And although I look around at the couples, and the friends laughing with each other, and I despise the whole thing, I really just wish somebody would say something to me without it being their job.
The more alone I feel, the less motivated I am to be creative and the more motivated I am to try and go out and have fun. So I go out to be around people, who paradoxically make me feel more alone, and then I get depressed.
I think maybe I was on to something last year at this time when I was just drinking beer at home and drawing circuit diagrams.