My “job” right now is working on my parents’ house. They’re having the floors refinished and my brother and I have been repainting the walls and moving furniture into the garage. I was thinking about it the other day–it seems I’m getting paid $15/hr to do something I’m bad at. Meanwhile there are all these things that I’m good at–things I went to school for, things I’ll willingly do for free–that I don’t have the time or energy for because I’m getting burnt out.
I feel like I’m 14 again: getting bossed around by my dad and wishing I could just go off and do the things I’m actually interested in.
I reluctantly crawled out of bed today because my brother and I were supposed to finish up. The floors are getting done tomorrow. He was nowhere to be found. I repainted the master bedroom. I got so frustrated at one point that I slammed the cordless drill into the closet wall, leaving a nice hole.
Yesterday, I was supposed to go to a family party that another brother of mine arranged. All day I was digging myself deeper and deeper into a depressed rut while “hanging out” with a friend of mine at my place. I was beating myself up, dwelling on my failures, and wishing I were brain-dead. I’m sick of feeling like I’m forcing things to happen, only to fall short. I guess now I’m waiting for something to happen. I don’t have any patience right now. I’ve been driving like an asshole, throwing tools, etc. The worst thing I can do right now is work on recording. That’s too bad.