You know those Starbucks Frappuccino things you can buy in the little glass bottles at the gas station? Don’t get those. You can get the same dopamine hit without having to look at the Starbucks logo. You need some Bustelo instant espresso, some kind of milk, a caramel sauce or syrup, and water.

Bustelo instant espresso is the best way to make anything coffee-flavored. You can mix it into ice cream too. Don’t follow the directions. Dump it in by the cup.

In fact, you can just go by taste and color to make a batch of this. For a half-gallon jug like I have here, I would start with a half-cup of dried coffee, fill it to two-thirds full with water, and then add milk to get the color you want. Then add caramel and more coffee to taste. My proportions are different every time, because why not? I’ve had it. Things are so hard, and the neurotransmitters need to keep moving. I need to reserve my patience for my executive functioning — I can’t waste it on “making” coffee.

That said, a barista-grade caramel syrup is preferred over the ice cream stuff.