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Loneliness

January 4th, 2009

I’ve been trying really hard to hold on to something positive from the nervousness and restlessness I’ve been feeling lately.  The fact is no matter how much I go out and interact with my surroundings, I come home feeling empty.  I don’t know why I think I can reverse the path that I’ve been on all my life, which is a constant state of alienation.

I hate being by myself, but it’s usually better than trying to be someone I’m not, which is what I feel would have to happen for me to have a normal social life.  I like making music, and making art, but there comes a point where the solitude is too much and you have to stop.  People don’t understand that.  The fact is, if I have people close to me in my life, than I can be productive while I’m alone.  But if I’m alone all the time, I lose myself.

I read Wikipedia’s article on loneliness again.  I wonder if what I keep referring to as depression is really just social isolation.  I go to a bar and I see a crowd of people who can communicate with one another.  Sure it’s not on a deep level, but they’re all keeping themselves and each other sane by doing so.  Meanwhile I’m in the corner with an art magazine drawing snake tongues coming out of everybody’s mouths, and I’m the only person in the place who’s by himself.  And although I look around at the couples, and the friends laughing with each other, and I despise the whole thing, I really just wish somebody would say something to me without it being their job.

The more alone I feel, the less motivated I am to be creative and the more motivated I am to try and go out and have fun.  So I go out to be around people, who paradoxically make me feel more alone, and then I get depressed.

I think maybe I was on to something last year at this time when I was just drinking beer at home and drawing circuit diagrams.


Separating

January 4th, 2009

A new song, just finished and soon to be re-recorded.

stay in one place
running through the fires
in your space
sleep through your dreams
they’re taking up your
time to let you down

don’t you need to
prove it yourself
it’s worth it?
suck out the spark
the heaviness unfolds
and I can’t tell

light on both sides
climbing up the air
nothing else inside
I’m finding myself where
I can’t hide

falling to feel
the air rush past your eyes
but you can’t look down
I’m on my own
to search for something real
and I don’t know how

restless and wrong
stabbing in the dark
one too many times
and separating from
what this means to me.


The Delivery Driver is Watching You Hibernate.

January 4th, 2009

Once I realized that it was inevitable for me to spend another winter in Minnesota, I decided that I was going to try and remain mobile and active once the cold weather hit (i.e. not subject to the hibernation habits of typical Minnesotans).  Not that I was particularly mobile and active in the summer, but regardless, being out and about is more important in the winter.  Especially given the fact that I’m already prone to depression.  And that my attempts to seek out relationships have thus far amounted to disappointment, to say the least.  Point being: I can’t afford an entire season by myself.

So I find myself looking for shows on the internet when I get off work.  I’m calling all of my friends and asking what their plans are.  I’m reading books at bars.  I’m going bowling by myself.  It’s a lot of work.

One thing that helps, though (and I cringe when I say this) is my job.  I drive pizza around.  I don’t have to dread going out.  I’m already out.  People I know want to stay inside rather then brave the weather to try to get somewhere.  I’ve been in the weather all day.   Being in a cozy bar watching a band sounds pretty good after spending 10 hours driving the same slushy streets over and over.

I go home, have a beer and change my jeans, and I’m ready to go do something.  I get down to my car and it’s still warm.  I don’t ever work before 11 am, so it’s pretty hard for me to get too excessive, since anywhere I would go closes by 2 am.

It’s all relative.  So far this has been the best winter ever, just because I haven’t really had time to dwell on how much it sucks.