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Do I need to blog about it?

January 30th, 2009

I can’t sleep and I’m being bombarded by negative thoughts, and I’m compelled to do two things.  One is physically harm myself, and the other is to express my mental state on this wasteland of social networking new media bullshit.  Life 2.0.  I decided, after punching my wall a few times, not to change my Facebook status to something like: “Gerald is being attacked by his own brain” or “Gerald is useless and should get over it.”  Instead I should try to make some effort at analysis.  I started wondering if the internet is supposed to be a tool for social exchange, or a replacement for it.

I wonder if it’s better to just keep my outbursts to myself, or to publish them to the digital world.  Either way it seems I end up in the same place.  In August, the same thing happened.  I was unsatisfied with my life, every aspect of it.  I was broke, bored, depressed and anti-social.  I thought I was getting better.  I think I am better as long as I’m not closed off in myself, because then I just sit at home and drink, and watch movies on Netflix, and check my email, Myspace and Facebook, wondering if I have a life.  Either that or I go out to a show alone to pass the time and leave feeling alienated.  I try to write songs but find myself writing the same thing over and over again.  I feel like I’m not being challenged.  I’m not being surprised, and in turn I can’t surprise myself, which is what being creative is all about.  I also feel like it’s a lot of work for me to maintain a social life because I give off an independent vibe, and also because I naturally get along with other independent, or even anti-social, people.  I’m not really independent.  I feed off of other people, I just need my little pockets of solitude in order to express it.

Anyone want to go do something?


Her Sleep

January 27th, 2009
tired human
barely dragging through
life in a complex
she’s sleeping herself into
liquid skin
she’s living in
a text in the back of her mind

life inside the head
abstract hours pass
darkness spins inside
her eyes

what’s it all about?
I might never find out
a mystery lost in time


Acadia Cafe, Jan. 25 2009

January 26th, 2009

The show tonight was a lot of fun and everything went well.  It was the first show with Sarah Wash on keyboards and backing vocals, and a lot louder sound with my electric, the big muff and the drum machine.  Me You Like I and Brad Senne were great as always.  Here’s the first blog post to archive performances, which will all exist under the category “past shows” from now on.  I’ll attach video once I have access to it.

Setlist:

  1. On Falling
  2. Separating
  3. Wandering On
  4. Escape Song
  5. Autonomy
  6. Run
  7. Twenty Eight
  8. Give MN Back to Canada

Brad Senne

Me You Like I


Anything?

January 24th, 2009

set aside my loneliness
I’m backing down
so far from home and fading now
from the uselessness that seems to stray
so far away from the fantasy

you still take yourself
apart because you think you don’t
know what you want
but could it be
you don’t want anything?

ambition fades in a sea of time lost to regret
and I swear I never saw your face
the same way twice
but could it be
I can’t see anything?


On the Edge

January 23rd, 2009
lights eroding
the signs we fall in
I’m not taking my time anymore

the air was easy
to feed between me
but I sigh and it sucks out the rest

don’t wait around, cause we won’t be needed here
silence your sound, cause it’s all we got to give, only

asleep and waking
alive and dragging
and trying to move in this spot

I can’t get on the edge that I want
it’s back and forth between a dream and feeling so
alone


No more lemon sour?

January 19th, 2009

Today I found $100 that I forgot about.  Must’ve been my tips from New Years.  So I decided that instead of just buying my normal 12 of Black Label on my shopping run, I’d get some liquor too.  One of favorite (and cheaper) things I like to make are whiskey sours, with Schweppes Lemon Sour and Jim Beam.  But, I was informed that Schweppes Lemon Sour has been…

DISCON-FUCKING-TINUED!!!???!!

What the fuck?  I did a google search and saw that it’s even being sold on Craigslist.

So instead I figured that if I’m not going to mix whiskey with anything, I might as well get something I don’t mind drinking straight:  Jameson.

I got groceries too.  Watched some 30 Rock on Netflix, played some piano, programmed the drum machine so Sarah and  I can cover “Loneliness” by Ed Harcourt, made a new cable (a 50-foot Y adapter) for my sound system and cleaned my apartment.  A productive day off, but fuck if I’m not pissed at Schweppes.


January 25th

January 18th, 2009


The Practical Side of an Otherwise Impractical Career Choice

January 14th, 2009

I’ve been pretty broke lately as the pizza delivery business has slowed down some, and as such I’m trying to take care of business.  I cleaned up my hard drive and I’m trying to organize my press contacts and research more opportunities.  I decided I should be playing a show every month or so.  My natural rhythm of things is to book too many shows in a short period of time, and then not play any for 3 months.  I’m trying to do better.

I also have some backup in the works.  My friend Sarah has been practicing with me, doing keyboards and harmony vocals.  The upcoming shows should be interesting as the sound continues to fill out more:

I’m still working on booking a February show.

I had to go to a clinic to get my ears flushed out, and now I have my hearing back!  It’s amazing how much you appreciate something so simple after not having it for five days.  Especially being a musician.

I also revisited my makeshift guitar building studio for some long overdue sanding and practice with the router.   I’m reinspired.  Which doesn’t mean much when you’re broke, since guitar building is a pretty expensive hobby.


Perception and some tangents…

January 8th, 2009

My right ear has been plugged up for the past 48 hours.  On top of that, I’m wearing my eyeglass prescription from 1999, since I wrecked my glasses right before the count on New Years Eve.  So, so far, the outer world is continuing to lose focus as 2009 drags on.  Not good.  I went to America’s Best to look at new glasses and I made an appointment.  After that, I proceeded to work the longest and slowest shift in (my) pizza delivery history.  That means I’m broke.

So I’m on self house arrest.  I can’t hear and I don’t have any money.  I have cans of beer and a working internet connection.

I decided that my week is divided roughly in two.  The first half, roughly Sunday or Monday through Wednesday, I don’t work, don’t spend money, don’t stay out too late, work on music, etc.  My apartments a mess and everything else is easy-going.  The second half, usually Wednesday through Saturday night and maybe Sunday, I work long shifts, I’m stressed out, I have plenty of cash and I waste no time attempting to recover my social life, given the chance.

Is this good?  I don’t know.  I also decided there are three equally important major facets to my life:

  • Creative Work
  • Income
  • Social Life

The only way for me to maintain my sanity is through those things overlapping in some way, i.e. creative work providing part of my income and part of my social life.   I’m trying.


Loneliness

January 4th, 2009

I’ve been trying really hard to hold on to something positive from the nervousness and restlessness I’ve been feeling lately.  The fact is no matter how much I go out and interact with my surroundings, I come home feeling empty.  I don’t know why I think I can reverse the path that I’ve been on all my life, which is a constant state of alienation.

I hate being by myself, but it’s usually better than trying to be someone I’m not, which is what I feel would have to happen for me to have a normal social life.  I like making music, and making art, but there comes a point where the solitude is too much and you have to stop.  People don’t understand that.  The fact is, if I have people close to me in my life, than I can be productive while I’m alone.  But if I’m alone all the time, I lose myself.

I read Wikipedia’s article on loneliness again.  I wonder if what I keep referring to as depression is really just social isolation.  I go to a bar and I see a crowd of people who can communicate with one another.  Sure it’s not on a deep level, but they’re all keeping themselves and each other sane by doing so.  Meanwhile I’m in the corner with an art magazine drawing snake tongues coming out of everybody’s mouths, and I’m the only person in the place who’s by himself.  And although I look around at the couples, and the friends laughing with each other, and I despise the whole thing, I really just wish somebody would say something to me without it being their job.

The more alone I feel, the less motivated I am to be creative and the more motivated I am to try and go out and have fun.  So I go out to be around people, who paradoxically make me feel more alone, and then I get depressed.

I think maybe I was on to something last year at this time when I was just drinking beer at home and drawing circuit diagrams.